Timing is Everything

Photo by Sara Kurfess, Unsplash

Over the years  I’ve learned the hard way what works well (and what doesn’t) when it comes to conversations with my elders. There’s a lot to be said for thoughtfully choosing what you say and how you say it, but not everybody understands the importance of the when.    

In an effort to eradicate verbal bloopers and “I sure wish life came with a re-wind button” moments -  I came up with a quick mental checklist that keeps me out of trouble. I call it my Three T’s. They stand for, Timing, Tone and Touch.  

  

Timing is first for a good reason. Before I open my mouth, I ask myself, “Is this the right  time to say this?” I’m afraid I might forget what I have to say or, worse yet, I might burst if I don’t get it off my chest right then and there... Neither is a good decision maker for the all- important when. 

Be lavish with your listening and go light on your words.

  

Here's a good example: Your mother hates it when you’re late, but there you are, late again. You’ve been practicing your excuses in the car on the way, and the minute you walk in,  you start rattling them off. 

Been there done that. 

Why not try this instead: Walk in smiling. Beam with enthusiasm as you tell her how glad you are to see her. Look her in the eyes when you say it, plant a big smooch on her cheek or softly touch her shoulder. If you storm in making excuses, all your mother will hear is, “I’m too busy for this. I have more important things to do…blah, blah, blah.” 

The truth is, she probably doesn’t care why you’re late, she's just glad you got there safely, so a simple apology will do. All she really needs to know is that she is loved. And maybe one other thing too, we moms never, ever, want to be a burden to our children, so try not to sound like she is one.     

After that, time has a way of gently opening up space for those more delicate conversations, the likes of which she'll remember long after you’ve gone home.

Be watching for my blog about the second 'T', which stands for tone. In the meantime, try beginning every encounter with a pleasant greeting, save the mundane and awkward stuff for later. You’ll know when, once you begin thoughtfully watching and waiting.