Love Letters

We could all learn a lesson on the importance of TONE from Will Smith, The Date Doctor, in the 2005 hit comedy Hitch, “60% of all human communication is non-verbal body language. 30% is your tone, so that means that 90% of what you’re saying, ain’t coming out of your mouth.”  I’m not sure about the accuracy of those percentages, but I’ve rated TONE second in importance, right behind TIMING when communicating with those who suffer from Alzheimer’s/Dementia/TBI.  

In the last decade a lot of emphasis has been placed on what we say. Canned sentences like, “When you do thus & so, I feel this & that.” I’m not a fan. I tried to teach that to a group of single moms with diverse cultural backgrounds…once. They giggled and rolled their eyes, and then informed me that their kids would laugh them out of the kitchen if they used even one of my canned phrases. I get it. We had our own family vocabulary taboos. I remember when one of my boys (3 years old at the time) visited a family farm in Iowa. He innocently pointed and exclaimed, “Yook Grampa, chicken bowel movement!” when he peeked inside the chicken coop. Yeah, his dad didn’t want him to learn the word poop. My turn to roll my eyes. LOL

Families have their own lingo and far be it from me to try to tweak it. Mayberry’s Sheriff Andy Taylor tried to reform a verbally abusive couple by giving them a cordial script to follow at the start of their day. At first it seemed like a great idea, “brilliant” in fact, according to Andy’s doting Aunt Bea. But Deputy Fife cringed when he heard the couple exchanging “Good morning honey(s)” in a contemptuous tone of voice, “I’d rather be called skunk face than Honey like that!” So, yes, the words we choose are important, but the tone in which we say them speaks even louder than our words.
     

So, by now you must be wondering what all this has to do with improving your visits with someone suffering from Alzheimer/Dementia/Traumatic Brain Injury? Folks with these kinds of challenges can't keep up with all the nuances of communication so they rely heavily on visual ques. Lean on that fact and put it to good use!   

If you read my previous blogs, you'll understand the primary importance I've place on what I call the Three 'T's. The first 'T' is for  TIMING. If at all possible, choose a quiet, non-stressful time for both of you. If they are in a nursing facility, ask their caregivers what might be the best time for a visit. 

When you arrive, I recommend using the first three minutes to let them know how glad you are to see them! This sets the second 'T' (Tone) in place. Knock before entering. Asking permission to come in, sets a safe and respectful tone, as well as a genuine smile or handshake. It's like choosing the right stationery for a love letter. I’ve been known to spray perfume on my love letters, in the same way, lavish your visit with affection and kind words. 

Give them time to take it all in, and if possible, to respond as well. Choose comfortable and familiar topics for conversation.You may want to think about it ahead of time, in order to be able to guide them safely through a pleasant conversation. Be realistic about their attention span and their ability to keep up with the speed at which you speak. Don't be afraid of silence. Give them plenty of time to respond. 

As with any well written correspondence, you'll want to summarize your time together with a well chosen and meaningful closing. Here's where you need to use intimate knowledge to choose a meaningful way to express the third 'T' which stands for Touch. When you say good bye, find a way to physically connect with the person. At the very least, use eye contact, lean towards them, and speak words of affirmation like It's always good to see you, or I love you, or how much you're looking forward to coming back to see them again sometime soon.  

I hope you'll enjoy viewing the short YouTube video clip (below) which illustrates the importance non-verbal communication.  

  Will Smith – Hitch

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo-c3z6U4Vc

Timing is Everything

Photo by Sara Kurfess, Unsplash

Introducing The Candid Caregiver

June is Alzheimer's & Brain Awareness Month. Which is the perfect time to launch my brand new blogspot: The Candid Caregiver. I'm dedicating it to those facing the challenges of memory loss or brain injury. I promise to let you in on the things we caregivers only whisper about. The things we've learned not to say out loud in front of those we serve. The myth is that medical jargon somehow dulls the pain this hideous thief inflicts on its victims. But the longer I do this, the more I see the need for candor, and honesty and sharing techniques that work, at least for a while, before things change yet again (and they will).  
I'm going to blog about the embarrassing things. The highs and lows. The family drama. The financial burdens. Because, let's face it: s#*! happens, and with Alzheimer's/Dementia, that could be true literally and metaphorically before you've had your first cup of coffee (insert innocent looking emoji with a slight grin). 

So go ahead and laugh once in awhile and don't feel guilty about it. I get it, and I hope what I've learned over the years as an independent in-home caregiver will help equip you with some (slightly unorthodox) tools of the trade. And if I seem too irreverent for your taste, before you go, I'd like you to know that my humor is never intended to trivialize the seriousness of an Alzheimer's/Dementia EVER. I simply believe that you've got to work with what you've got, not what you wish you had. Look for the humor, it may just be sprinkled in between some of your most challenging days. 

I hope you'll be back for my next few blogs: The Three T's of Good Communication. In the meantime, please pray for the cure and financially support The Alzheimer's Association  https://www.alz.org/abam/ .